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Q+A
Q: What's the
difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut
up onions...
Magic
Beer
A lady walks into a
bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and
asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he
says.
She thinks he's a
little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after seeing that
there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting
at the bar and says,
"That isn't really
Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies arounther drink
of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times,
and comes back in the window.
She is so amd the
building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't
believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes anoazed that
she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give
her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink,
takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories,
breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks
up at the guy and says,
"You know, Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"
Pop
By My House
Knowing that he’ll be
back late from work, Joe asks his workmate Barry to pop by his house
to let his wife know what time he’ll be home. Barry agrees and sets
off. Joe’s wife opens the door and invites Barry in, as she’s just
finishing her ironing. Barry passes on his news and notices that
Joe’s wife is ironing her underwear. ‘I tell you what,’ says Barry.
‘I know you’re a bit hard up at the moment, so if you dance around
for me in that underwear, I’ll give you £40.’ Needing the money, she
reluctantly agrees. After the dance, Barry continues, ‘Now I’ll make
it £100 if you do that naked.’ A little sheepishly, she strips off
her undies and repeats the dance. ‘Now,’ says an excited Barry,
‘I’ll make it £200 if you let me give you one.’ Feeling ashamed but
desperate for the money, she again agrees. When Barry finishes, he
thanks her, pays her the money and leaves. Thirty minutes later, Joe
returns from work to find his wife watching the telly. ‘All right,
love? Did Barry tell you I’d be late?’ Still embarrassed, she nods.
‘Oh, and love,’ Joe goes on, ‘did he give you my wages?’
The
Test
Three men who were
lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went
separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came
back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king
then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up
your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be
eaten."
The first apple went
in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was
killed.
The second one
arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the
trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst
out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the
second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you
laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied,
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with
pineapples."
Rooster
A farmer goes out one
day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster
struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you
to retire."
The old rooster
replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look
what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner?"
The young rooster
says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says,
"I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken
coop."
The young rooster
laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be
fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes
off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off
running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches
behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He
blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this
month."
Old
Lady at the Doctor's
This 93 yr old virgin
goes to see a doctor because she's having some problems. She says to
the doctor - I've got this terrible itch down there, can you help
me? The doctor says - I'll take some tests and we'll see what is
going on. The doctor get the results back and tells her she's got
crabs. She's furios - she's never been with a man in her life. She
decides to go get second opinion.
Woman sees doctor #2.
"I've got this itch, can you help me?" Doctor takes some tests, and
informs her that she has crabs. "Seriously! I've never been with a
min in my whole entire life!! I'm going to go see another doctor!"
Woman sees doctor #3
and explains that the first 2 doctors said she's got crabs, but she
can't believe that because she's still a virgin. The doctor
reassures her that he will get to the bottom of the issue, and takes
a whole bunch of tests. The doctor gets the results back and calls
her on the phone with the news.
"Ma'am, Ive got good
news and bad news. The good news is that you certainly do not have
crabs! The bad news is that your cherry is rotten, and you've got
fruit flies!"
Blind
Wood Sniffer
A blind man applies
for a job at a saw mill.
The owner
interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in.
The blind man says "Inspecting wood."
The owner laughs and
says "But you're blind!"
The blind man
replies, "Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is."
The owner agrees, and
gives him a piece of wood to smell, "Tell me what kind of wood this
is."
The blind man plainly
replies "It's pine."
The owner looking
surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans
nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.
The owner thinks for
a bit, then says, "I have one more piece for you to smell."
He gets his secretary
to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind
it is, pushing his head toward the secretary's crotch.
The blind man
replies, "Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!
Thats the shit-house
door off of a tuna trolley!"
Q+A
Q: What's the
difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut
up onions...
KKK
As the congregation
settled into the pews, the preacher rose to the lectern with a red
face. ‘Someone in this congregation,’ he began gravely, ‘has spread
a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.’ As whispering spread
around the hall, the padre continued. ‘This is a horrible lie – one
I am embarrassed about and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I ask the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God.’ No one moved, and the preacher continued. ‘Do you not
have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,
you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.’ Again
all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde rose from
the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.
‘Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said
you were a member of the Klan.’ ‘Oh?’ said the Father, ‘So what did
you say?’ The blonde chewed her lip sadly. ‘I simply mentioned to a
couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’
How
Tough Are You
Three rats are
relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how
tough they are. The first rat says, ‘When I woke up there was a
matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and
didn't feel a thing.’ After a significant pause and a few more
glasses, the second rat chips in, ‘When I got up this morning, there
was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait.
I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped
out without even a bruise.’ At this, the third rat gets up and heads
for the door. ‘Where are you going?’ ask the two other rats. ‘Aw,
I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and shag the cat again.’
Cowboys
Three cowboys were
sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome trail, each with a
tale of bravado for which cowboys are famous. ‘I must be the
meanest, toughest cowboy there is,’ the first cowboy said with a
drawl. ‘Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and
gored six grown men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the
horns, with my bare hands.’ The second cowboy couldn’t stand to be
bested. ‘Why, that’s nothing,’ he said. ‘I was walking down the
trail yesterday when a 15 feet rattler made a move for me. I grabbed
it with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked down all of its
poison. And I’m still here to tell the tale.’ All this time, the
third cowboy remained silent, and the first two turned to look at
him as he slowly stoked the red-hot coals with his penis.
Bandits
Two young travellers
are braving their way across Mexico behind the wheel of an old van,
when they come across a group of bandits standing behind a
roadblock. The head honcho walks around to the door, sticks a gun
into their faces and says, ‘Start masturbating, gringos!’ Shocked,
but fearing for their lives, the pair duly oblige – and, despite the
stress, manage to perform. As soon as they finish, the bandit chief
leans in and demands: ‘Again!’ They manage a repeat performance, but
are then told to continue until, tired and sore, the pair are
physically incapable of another erection. ‘Good work,’ smiles the
toothless Mexican as a dark figure emerges from the trees. ‘Now
drive my sister to the nearest town.’
Gremlin
A man is sitting in
the pub having a quiet pint when a gremlin comes in and asks for a
half. He downs his drink quickly, then runs along the bar, sticks
his head in the man’s pint and shakes it around. The man is bemused,
but continues to drink as the gremlin returns to his seat. The
little beastie orders a second and third half and after each one
does exactly the same thing. The man finally loses his patience and
grabs the gremlin by the scruff of the neck. ‘If you stick your head
in my pint one more time, I’ll rip your dick off!’ shouts the angry
drinker. ‘Ain’t got one,’ says the gremlin. The man looks confused.
‘If you haven’t got a cock, how do you piss?’ he asks the gremlin.
‘Like this,’ says the gremlin, and sticks his head in the man’s
pint, shaking it around.’
Minimum
An extremely drunk
man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a chiropodist's office
instead. Laboriously, he weaves over to the receptionist. Without
looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed. ‘Stick it
through that curtain,’ she says. Looking forward to something kinky,
the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the
curtains. ‘That's not a foot!’ screams the receptionist. ‘Christ!’
replies the drunk. ‘I didn't know you had a minimum.’
Horses Ass
While driving a
truckload of manure, an old farmer is stopped by a policeman. ‘You
were speeding,’ says the cop. ‘I'm going to have to give you a
ticket.’ ‘If you must,’ the farmer says, watching the cop shoo away
several flies. ‘These flies sure are terrible,’ the cop complains,
swatting irritably. ‘Yep,’ the farmer says. ‘Them are circle flies.
They call them that because they circle a horse's tail.’ The cop
looks at him angrily. ‘You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass now,
would you?’ he barks. 'Nope, I'm not,’ replies the farmer. ‘But you
just can't fool them flies.’
Teachers gifts
At the end of the
primary school term, a kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from
her departing pupils. First up is the local florist's son, whose
gift is a well-wrapped cone. ‘I bet I know what it is,’ she says,
after shaking it and inhaling deeply. ‘Have you got me flowers?’
‘That's right!’ cries the boy. ‘But how did you know?’ ‘Just a wild
guess,’ she said, grinning. The next pupil was the daughter of the
local sweetshop owner. Again, the teacher held her box over her
head, shook it, and heard the soft rattle. ‘Thank you,’ she says, ‘I
love chocolates!’ ‘That's right! But how did you know?’ asked the
girl. ‘Just a lucky guess,’ laughs the teacher. Finally, the son of
the local off-licence owner shyly approaches. Again, the teacher
holds his box above her head and shakes it side to side – only to
find it leaking. ‘Mmmm,’ she says, tasting a drop of the leakage
with her finger. ‘Is it wine?’ Open-mouthed, the youngster shakes
his head – and the teacher repeats the process. ‘Oh. Is it a nice
vintage champagne, perhaps?’ she asks. Again, the boy shakes his
head excitedly. ‘OK,’ admits the teacher, ‘I give up. What is it?’
The boy laughs in delight. ‘A puppy!’
Arthritis
After years of
flirting, a man and woman in an old people’s home agree to make love
– and one day, when the residents go on a day trip, they both stay
behind. Impatient for his first action in decades, the man quickly
goes to the woman's room and asks her if there’s anything she
prefers. She replies she loves it when men perform cunnilingus on
her – and grinning widely, the man goes down. After a few seconds,
however, he reappears. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, ‘but I’m afraid the
smell is just too bad.’ ‘Hmmm,’ she replies, thinking for a moment.
‘It must be the arthritis. He looks at her confused. ‘Surely you
can’t get arthritis down there,’ he cries, ‘And even if you could,
it wouldn't cause that smell.’ ‘No, the arthritis is in my
shoulder,’ she bleats. ‘I can't wipe my arse.’
Adam
Came First
Why did God create
Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to speak.
Use
the Sink
A girl takes her new
boyfriend back home after the dance. She tells him to be very, very
quiet as her parents are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she
would be in big trouble as she’s not allowed to bring boys home.
They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he
stops and says, ‘Where’s the toilet, I need to go.’ She says, ‘It’s
next to my parents’ bedroom. You can’t go there, you might wake them
up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead.’ He goes into the kitchen
then, after a short while, he pops his head round the door and says
to his girlfriend, ‘Have you got any paper?’
Deaf
Mute
This deaf mute
strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms.
Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the
shelves, and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to
understand what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to
take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his cock on
the counter, before placing a £5 note next to it. Nodding, the
chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same manoeuvres as the
mute, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild
gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging his
shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.’
Cojones
While holidaying in
southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a
diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those,
please,’ he tells the waiter. ‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply,
‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the
local bullfight. We won't have any more until after the next fight.’
Disappointed, the man returns after the next fight. The waiter
remembers him and brings out a plate of two steaming balls. ‘Just a
minute,’ says the man. ‘These are tiny. The ones the man had were
four times as big.’ The waiter shrugs. ‘Senor – sometimes the bull,
he win.’
Auction
Waking after a long
night’s sleep, a wife begins recounting her dream to her husband. ‘I
dreamt I was at an auction for cocks,’ she began. ‘The long ones
went for a tenner, and the meaty ones for £20.’ ‘How about the ones
like mine?’ asked her husband. ‘Oh, they gave those away,’ she
replied, grinning slyly. Miffed, the husband responds: ‘Well I had a
dream too – where they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones
cost £1,000 and the little tight ones went for double that.’ ‘And
how much for the ones like mine?’ inquired his wife. The man
grinned. ‘Oh, that's where they held the auction.’
Freedom
Two rabbits, who have
spent their whole lives in a laboratory, are set free one night by
an animal activist. They run off into the countryside and come
across a field of carrots. Instinct takes over: they get stuck in
and start to eat all the carrots they can, until they fall asleep.
The following night, they go into a field of cabbages. Again, they
eat all they can and fall asleep. The night after that, they find a
field full of lettuce, which, as before, they proceed to chomp
through until they fall asleep. The next night they find themselves
in a field full of lady rabbits, all of whom are willing partners.
They do what comes naturally and embark upon an all-night shagging
session. In the morning, the older rabbit decides he wants to return
to the lab. ‘What the hell for?’ asks his pal. ‘We’ve had carrots,
cabbages, lettuce and, best of all, those ladies last night. What’s
your problem?’ ‘Life is sweet, I agree,’ says the older chap. ‘But
the thing is, I’m dying for a fag!’
Tarzan
One day Jane met
Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her
questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex. ‘What's
that?’ he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said ‘Oh,
I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.’ ‘Tarzan, you have it all
wrong,’ she says horrified, ‘but I will show you how to do it
properly.’ She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and
spread her legs wide. ‘Here,’ she said, ‘You must put it in here.’
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually
she managed to gasp, ‘What the hell did you do that for?’ ‘Just
checking for bees,’ said Tarzan.
Badly
Deformed
A man is waiting
nervously for news of his new-born baby when a nurse walks in. ‘It’s
bad news,’ she says. ‘Your baby is badly deformed.’ Naturally the
man tells himself that he will love the baby whatever it looks like.
The midwife then leads the man out to the incubators. Passing a baby
that is no more than a head, the midwife says ‘Brace yourself, dear
– your baby is a lot worse than this.’ Finally they arrive at the
incubator and the father stares open-mouthed at his child. For
there, sitting on the blanket, is a pair of eyeballs blinking away.
‘I’m sorry,’ offers the midwife. The man, holding back tears, says,
‘It’s my baby and I’ll look after it the best I can.’ He gives the
little eyes a tender wave. ‘I wouldn’t bother doing that,’ says the
midwife. ‘It’s blind.’
SAS
Test
Three men reach the
final round of tests to join the SAS, and are called together to
speak with the interviewer. ‘Do you love your wife?’ says the
officer. ‘Sir, yes I do, sir,’ say the recruits in unison. ‘And do
you love your country?’ ‘Sir, yes sir,’ say the men. ‘But what do
you love more, your wife or your country?’ The recruits do not
hesitate: ‘Sir, my country, sir.’ The interviewer stares at them:
‘We want you to prove this. Your wives are sitting in separate rooms
nearby – take this gun and go and kill your loved one.’ The first
man gulps and stares at the gun for a few minutes. ‘I can't do it,’
he says, and leaves. Turning white, the second man goes into the
room, and all is silent for about five minutes. Soon the door opens
and the man, sweaty with his tie loosened, puts down the unfired gun
and leaves. The final interviewee looks long and hard and the
revolver, then slowly paces into the adjoining room. After a brief
silence, the interviewer hears the sound of a gunshot. There’s a
brief pause, then an almighty crashing sound and a woman’s scream.
Grinning and breathless, the final recruit emerges from the room and
puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks up at him and says
‘What the hell happened?’ ‘The gun you gave me was filled with
blanks,’ says the man, breathing heavily. ‘So I had to beat her to
death with the chair.’
Poor
Arthur
A travelling salesman
is touring an area in deepest rural Wales, and stays the night at a
farmhouse. After a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turns to
his kind host and asks if there’s any possibility of renting some
‘companionship’ for the evening. ‘Well,’ mulls the farmer. ‘I’m
afraid there’s not many women around here like that. But there’s
always Arthur …’ ‘Oh?’ says the salesman, intrigued. ‘How much does
he charge?’ ‘It’ll cost you £10,’ comes the reply. The salesman
thinks about this. ‘Seems a bit expensive,’ he says. ‘Well,’ says
the farmer, ‘The local magistrate takes out £4 because he doesn’t
approve of that sort of thing.’ ‘So that’s £4 for him and £6 for
Arthur,’ says the salesman. The farmer shakes his head. ‘No, the
local constable also takes £4 because he doesn’t approve of that
sort of thing.’ ‘Christ,’ says the salesman. ‘So the magistrate gets
£4, the bobby £4 – that only leaves £2 for Arthur.’ ‘No – we have to
pay Gareth and Dai to hold him down,’ says the farmer. ‘You see,
Arthur doesn’t approve of that sort of thing either.’
Pussy
Licking Frog
A man surveys the
women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a
seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets
nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box,
and pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute," says the
woman. "Is that a pet?" The man smiled. "Yes, and he's good at doing
tricks too." "Like what?" "He eats pussy. Come back to my place and
I'll prove it to you." Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and
puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn't move. After a
couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally
demands, "Well?"
The man shakes his
head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says, "Okay, you idiot, I'm
only going to show you one more time."
Brothel
An elderly man walks
into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a really young girl
for the night. The old steamer gives him a puzzled look and asks the
fellow how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old."
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise you've had
it?" "Oh," he says, "how much do I owe you, then?"
Eskimo
An Eskimo is out for
a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call
out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits
for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken
car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to
have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says,
"You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies,
"No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."
Don’t
be so ungrateful
A middle-aged woman
reads a magazine article which claims that, as women get older,
their fannies grow. Concerned about this (and her husband’s
reaction), she decides to carry out her own test. She places a
mirror on the bathroom floor and stands over it, legs apart. While
looking down, her husband happens to walk past. ‘Watch out!’ he
cries and jumps at her, pushing her over. ‘What are you doing?’ the
woman shouts. ‘You could have broken my arm!’ ‘Don’t be so
ungrateful,’ her husband replies. ‘If you’d fallen down there, you
could have broken your neck.’
Milkman
A milkman is making
his deliveries and finds a note attached to a customer’s door
saying, ‘I need 45 gallons of milk.’ He knocks at the door and a
beautiful, dumb blonde answers it. ‘Is this a mistake?’ the milkman
asks. ‘No,’ she says. ‘I was watching a talk-show and it said
bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.’ ‘Really?’ replies the
milkman. ‘Do you want that pasteurized?’ ‘No, up to my tits will be
fine,’ she says.
Cant
feel my legs
A man wakes up in a
hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries, ‘Doctor! Doctor! I
can’t feel my legs.’ The doctor comes over to the poor chap’s
bedside and says, ‘Of course you can’t. I’ve amputated both your
arms.’
Splitting Headaches
Cursed with splitting
headaches for years, Trevor goes to a headache specialist. “The
trouble is,” Trevor tells the specialist, “I get this blinding pain,
like a knife across my scalp and...” He’s interrupted by the doctor:
“And a heavy throbbing, behind the left ear?” “Yes! Exactly! How did
you know?” “Well, I suffered from that same type of headache for
years. It’s caused by tension in the scalp. This is how I cured it:
every day I gave my wife oral sex.” “Is that all it took?” says
Trevor, intrigued. “Oh no,” says the doctor. “When she came she’d
squeeze her legs together and the pressure would relieve the tension
in my head. Try that every day for a fortnight, come back and let me
know how it goes.” Two weeks later Trevor returns, grinning. “Doc,
I’m a new man! I haven’t had a headache since I started this
treatment! I can’t thank you enough.” “That’s fine,” says the
doctor. “I was glad to pass on a personal cure.” “By the way,” says
Trevor, standing up to leave. “You have a lovely home.”
Thor
Thor, the Viking God
of Thunder, and Odin, the King Of The Gods, are enjoying a flagon of
mead in Valhalla, the Norse heaven. Suddenly, Thor turns to Odin.
‘You know, my Lord,’ he says, thoughtfully thumbing his mystical
hammer. ‘Being a god is brilliant, but it’s been millennia since I
had any sex.’ Odin nodded and pondered for a while. Raising his
mighty head, he took pity on his subordinate. ‘Go to Earth, Thor,’
he replied. ‘Find thyself there what they call a “lady of the
night”. Treat her to your manly pleasures.’ Bowing gracefully, Thor
retired and followed Odin’s advice, before returning the next night.
‘My Lord,’ he said, grinning from ear to ear, ‘You were right – it
was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times!’ ‘Thirty-seven
times?’ exclaimed Odin. ‘That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure
such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!’ Humbled,
Thor went back down to earth and found the prostitute. ‘I'm sorry
about last night,’ he apologized. ‘But you see, I'm Thor.’ ‘You're
Thor?’ shouted the girl, ‘What about me? I can't even pith.’
Viagra
A elderly gentleman
shuffles into a drug store and asks for Viagra. ‘That's no problem,’
says the pharmacist. ‘How many do you want?’ ‘Just a few, maybe
four,’ says the pensioner. ‘But could you cut them into four
pieces?’ ‘That won't do you much good,’ replies the pharmacist. The
customer looks at him and sighs. ‘I’m 83 years old – I'm not
interested in sex anymore,’ he says. ‘I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't piss on my shoes.’
Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples
are enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men turns to
the other. “Arthur, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” says the
pensioner. “How’s your course at the memory clinic going?”
“Outstanding,” replies Arthur. “They teach us all the latest
psychological techniques: visualisation, association and so on. It’s
made a huge difference for me.” “That’s great,” says his mate. “What
was the name of the clinic again?” Arthur goes blank, then wrinkles
his brow. “Wait there, I can do this.” He closes his eyes, frowns
deeply and his lips move as he thinks to himself. “What do you call
that flower with the red petals and thorns?” he says, finally. “You
mean a rose,” says his friend. “Yes, that’s it!” say Arthur, and
turns to his wife, asking, “Rose, what was the name of that clinic
again?”
Changing sides
After a heavy night
in his local pub, a worse-for-wear lout rises to his feet,
determined to start up a fight. ‘Right,’ he hollers, ‘everybody on
the left side of the pub is a bastard!’ The drinkers look across at
him briefly, then resume their drinking. ‘No takers, eh?’ shouts the
piss-head. ‘Right then – everyone on the right side is a poofter!’
Suddenly, an old man on the left-hand side of the pub stands up.
‘You want some, then?’ screams the lout. ‘Not really,’ replies the
man, sheepishly. ‘It’s just that I appear to be sitting on the wrong
side of the pub.’
Promising Student
A senior lecturer at
a London medical college is rather surprised one afternoon when one
of his most promising students breaks through the door in a clear
state of distress. Sitting the lad down, the kindly old-timer waits
for him to compose himself before asking, ‘What on earth is the
matter?’ ‘I can’t take it anymore, doc,’ wails the distressed
student. ‘I need to find somewhere else to live!’ ‘But our student
digs are the best in the land,’ protests the lecturer. ‘No, doctor –
it’s this new policy of mixed living quarters. Every night when I’m
trying to study, I have to push away beautiful young nurses, who
have come in drunk from a night on the town and are hungry for sex.’
‘I see,’ says the quack. ‘So how do you think I can help?’ ‘Oh doc,’
says the desperate young man, quietly. ‘You’re going to have to
break my arms.’
Drunk
and Lost
While walking his
beat, a policeman is bemused to find a young man, clearly drunk,
staggering about with a key in his hand. ‘They’ve stolen my car,’
the drunk shouts. ‘It was right here earlier on the end of this
key.’ ‘More importantly, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘Do you know your
penis is hanging out?’ ‘Oh my God,’ wails the drunk. ‘They’ve got my
girlfriend as well.’
18
hours to live
A woman comes home
from the doctor and tells her husband she has only 18 hours to live.
‘That's terrible!’ cries her husband, ‘What would you like to do
during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible
for you.’ ‘Well,’ she said, ‘First, I want to take a long romantic
walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favourite restaurant. But
ultimately, I want to go to bed with you and make passionate love
all night long.’ ‘Gee, honey,’ says her husband, shaking his head ‘I
don't know about that “all night long” stuff. After all, I've got to
get up in the morning.’
Bucket of Snails
One evening a husband
and wife are sitting at home, waiting for dinner guests to arrive.
After putting the casserole in the oven the wife turns and screams,
‘I’ve forgotten the nibbles! We can’t have a party without nibbles!
Go down into the garden and fetch some snails. I’ll boil them up and
serve them with a little garlic butter and lemon.’ The husband sets
off to the end of the garden with a bucket and starts hunting for
the snails. No sooner has he started when a beautiful woman leans
over the fence and casually asks him if he wants to pop over to her
place for a quick drink. The husband thinks that a quick snifter
before dinner can’t hurt, so he climbs over the fence and goes in.
After downing a martini, the woman grabs the man and begins kissing
him. One thing leads to another and soon the pair are hard at it in
bed. So hard, in fact, that the husband falls asleep for a couple of
hours. Waking up in a panic, he grabs all his clothes and his bucket
of snails, jumps back over the fence and hurtles into his own
kitchen where his wife has nodded off. He trips up as he enters
through the door and spills his bucket of snails over the lino and
wakes her. ‘Where the hell have you been?’ she screams. The husband
looks up at his livid wife, looks down at the scattered snails on
the floor and shouts,‘Come on lads, we’re nearly there!’
3
Criminals in hell
Three criminals are
in hell waiting to be punished for their sins, and the Devil says,
‘Before I plunge you into the fiery abyss, you can have one cool
beer as a last privilege.’ The first criminal in the line-up is
Jeffrey Dahmer. ‘What drink do you want?’ asks Satan. ‘I would love
a Budweiser,’ replies Dahmer, and sure enough he’s given a can of it
before being tossed into agony. The Devil repeats his question to
the second criminal. ‘I would like some Foster’s,’ says Ronnie Kray,
and he gets some of the amber nectar before his punishment. Finally,
the Devil asks the third man, Fred West, what beer he’d like before
being burnt for eternity. ‘Oh, that’s easy,’ says Fred. ‘I could
murder some Tennent’s.
Rubber Factory
Joe was visiting a
friend's rubber factory one day. They entered the first room, to the
loud sound of ‘Bang! Hish! Bang! Hish!’ ‘What are you making here?’
asked Joe. ‘Teats for a baby's bottle,’ replied the owner. ‘The bang
makes the teat and the hish puts the hole in the end.’ The next
room, however, was filled with different sounds: ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Hish! Bang! Bang!’ ‘This is where we make condo
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